May 25th 2011
I woke up that morning like it was anyother morning. Sarah, David, Aubrey and I hung out did some shopping and joked about it being the day as we had the whole time Sarah and Aubrey had been there. On and off I had been having contractions about 10-15 minutes apart. They werent that bad so I just brushed it off and we laughed and got excited as we anticipated Amelias arival. As the day went on my contractions got more regular. We started getting really excited and hoped that it would be her day. I doubted myself part of the time wondering if it was really contractions or not. Maybe I was just thinking I was since we were all so anxious. At about 5pm Sarah kept looking at me and asking me if I was okay. I had to stop and kind of take a few seconds because my stomach was tightening and it was obviously uncomfortable. I went on a walk with David trying to get the contractions to hurry up and progress so I could go to the hospital, it was around 7 or 8 when we finally decided we should probably go. I was so nervous because I wasnt sure if they were real ly contractions, I was afraid of looking dumb, but went anyway to check just in case. By the time I was all checked into the hospital, the contractions were so mild and far apart it was like they werent there at all.
As I went to check in the hospital staff was kind of rude and made me feel stupid because I was a first time mom and made me feel even more like I didnt know what was going on and I doubted myself more and more. They hooked me up to monitors and checked to see how far I was dialated. I was only 1 cenimeter and my contractions were very mild on the monitor. They detected that Amelia wasnt moving much if at all, and I hadnt felt her for quite sometime so they sent me to get an ultrasound to check her movement. I wasnt sure what all would happen if she wasnt moving, I figured they would want to induce my labor and get it started. I was very scared and nervous going to the ultrasound. The lady had to get called in specially for me and wasnt very happy about it. I sat there with a full bladder for 30 minutes very worried about what was going on. After I was done the tech couldnt tell me the results, she just printed off pictures of Amelia and sent me back to my room.
We waited about another 30-45 minutes for them to finally get the results, I wasnt too nervous, I expected them to probably keep me over night and induce my labor so it couldnt be that bad right? wrong! My doctor and the nurse who barely spoke english came in and told me they would have to do and emergency c-section because the chord was wrapped around her neck. I couldnt understand her and her and David had to repeat themselves a couple times for me to hear. My heart dropped and I started balling my eyes out crying and screaming no! I tried to fight them and they literally had to hold me down to get the cathiter in and to get an iv in. The nurse used the wrong needle and I was gushing blood. If you know me I cant handle blood so I my panic level rose even more. I continued crying and telling them no! I was so scared. This was not how I had planned it.
The wheeled my bed out of the room to the surgery room, David wasnt with them, he had to stay behind to get scrubs on. I kept asking them where is David? They said he would be there shortly after they did the medicine in my back to numb my lower body. I was shaking and crying and felt so scared and alone and forced to do something I never wanted to do. They had a lady stand in front of me to hug and hold onto while they did the medicine and then I layed back, I continued to ask where my husband was. I got sick and was puking, I kept apologizing. Finally after it seemed like hours but was only a few minutes, David came. I felt pressure on my lower stomach and then I heard rushing around behind the curtian, but no cry from a baby. I was terrified, finally I heard her. I was so happy she was okay. They brought her over and showed her to me and David, then rushed off with David and Amelia. I had no idea what was going on. They took me to recovery for 30 minutes, on my way out I thanked everyone for being there and for taking care of me. while in recovery I talked to the nurse all about how excited I was to get back to my room and hold my baby. She was very nice, but spoke very little.
It was time to go back to my room. As they wheeled me in I saw Sarah, Aubrey, and David, all almost crying. I looked around and didnt see Amelia. I got worried, but thought, maybe they were still cleaning her up. Everyone left the room and David said he needed to tell me something. I thought Amelia had died. I held my breath and waited for him to tell me. He cried and told me she had a hole in her heart and she was having trouble breathing and that she may have down syndrome. I sighed out relief she was alive and shock in all that I had heard. She was supposed to be healthy, she was supposed to be "normal". I wanted to cry but I wanted to be strong for David so I held it in, he is always strong for me in my weakness, he rarely shows his weakness and hurts, so I knew I had to do it this time for him. I asked to go see her, they told me no. David went to see her and Sarah video taped him with her. I couldnt watch it right away I was too hurt. A while later they came in and told me she would be transfered to Crouse Hospital in Syracuse two hours away. I couldnt go with her and I had to stay in the hospital. I was devistated. They brought her in real quick before they took her away. I held her for about 30 seconds and It was the worst feeling I had ever had in my life. It was supposed to be a beautiful happy moment holding my daughter for the first time, but i felt none of that. I felt hurt and worry and the hardest to admit is discust. I was discusted with my own daughter. This isnt the baby I had dreamed of and thought of for so long. That baby had been taken away, it felt almost as though I had lost my baby. I still loved Amelia because she was mine but I felt angry that she was the way she was. Admitting this now is one of the hardest things for me to do, its embarrassing and I feel shameful, but I feel like I should share the truth.
That night I called crouse hospital several times and asked how Amelia was doing. I asked if they were loving on her and if she was stable. They said yes and that comforted me knowing she was being taken care of. I asked if she had eaten and they said she wouldnt be allowed to eat, but they had her on an iv that gave her nutrients she needed to hold her over until she was allowed to eat.
I was so sad and I couldnt sleep. I was in pain and they didnt do a good job at keeping up with my medicine to keep me comfortable. I remember David laying with me in my bed and watching the end of American Idol, I was mad Scotty won and not Lauren. Then finally I fell asleep. About 30 minutes later the nurse came in and woke me up and said I had to get my cathiter out and then made me walk to the bathroom, my first time walking and I was so sick and i almost passed out, I was swarmed with nurses in the bathroom and then I made it back to my bed. It was hard to fall back asleep, i was sad and hurting and just wanted my baby. I guess I kept asking where my baby was and why she was gone. In the morning Sarah bought me a frame for my ultrasound picture of amelia and a bear to hold since I couldnt hold my baby. I held it from the second I got it until I left the hospital with Amelia from Syracuse. The day after I had Amelia I had to take a shower and I almost passed out again, I begged David not to tell the nurses because I just wanted to leave and be with my baby. He didnt tell he just helped me finish my shower without passing out and made me feel better. Finally they let me go. I had to walk to the car and it took a while and it hurt really bad. Every bump in the car made me cringe. We decided not to ride home to get anything because the roads to our house are way bumpy and would have killed going over them. So we left with no clothes or stuff to stay a while in syracuse, we would figure it out later.